Follow up from Lesson 3
What activities did you do to grow yourself?
Did you stand up and speak out against bullying?
Did you sign up for a newsletter from any of the sources listed in a previous lesson?
Did you add any of the crisis lines to your phone contacts?
Did you share the lesson with anyone?
If you answered yes to any of these, great job! If not, that’s ok. Give it a try when you feel ready.
Welcome to Lesson 4: Communicate
In this lesson we will be covering communication. We will learn the basics and then how to apply them for communicating with LGBTQ youth during the coming out process and afterward as we practice being an ally.
Communication Skills 101
Please take a few minutes to watch this video on basic communication skills. These are especially applicable to communicating with youth.
Coming Out, It’s a Process
Coming out may seem like it is a one-time thing, but for most LGBTQ youth, it is a process and happens gradually over time. Strong Family Alliance lists six stages of coming out:
Self-discovery as LGBTQ
Disclosure to others
Socialization with other LGBTQ people
Positive self-identification
Integration and acceptance
A life-long journey
Part of the life-long journey is choosing who to share with and when to share, if at all, about being LGBTQ. LGBTQ youth may be out to some people, but not to everyone. When LGBTQ youth come out to someone, it is a major life event and the reaction they receive will likely stick with them for the rest of their lives. According to the National Coming Out Day Youth Report, 30% of LGBTQ youth do not come out to their family because they say their family is not supportive or they are homo/bi/transphobic, and 19% are afraid of the reaction they will receive. Most of these youth are not yet legal adults, and they rely on their family for financial support. The fear of being kicked out and left to fend for themselves is a real concern. For more about the risk of homelessness visit Lesson 3.
When an LGBTQ youth comes out to you that means they feel you are a safe place to share. It does not mean that they are out to everyone else though. Be sure to maintain confidentiality. Outing them to others without their consent is likely to destroy the trust they placed in you when they decided to share with you in the first place. If you want to know if it is OK to share, just ask. Respect their answer whether they give you permission to share, or not. If you are unsure of the best way to respond, try this:
“For some people, disclosure is a positive experience that increases self-esteem, self-realization, and perceived internal resources (Rhoads, 1995, as cited in Zavala & Waters, 2021).” If you are comfortable celebrating this milestone with them, try one of these responses when they share their truth with you:
Overall, the message that LGBTQ youth are looking for when coming out is acceptance. Thanking them for sharing and trusting you with their truth speaks volumes. “Youth that are out to their immediate family or out at school report higher levels of happiness, optimism, acceptance and support.” (National Coming Out Day Youth Report). When youth feel these positive emotions, it decreases negative risk factors.
COPING WITH CHANGE
Gallup first polled Americans on gay issues back in 1977. Since then, attitudes about those issues have made some dramatic shifts. It is much more acceptable to be out now than it was back in the 70s. At that time, some states still had laws stating that “same-sex intimacy was an illegal offense for which one could be imprisoned,” (McCarthy, 2019). Because of the shift in acceptance of LGBTQ people over the past 50 years, younger generations are growing up with this attitude change. Perhaps while growing up over the last five decades when attitudes and laws were making slow progress, some of us older people might find it difficult to reconcile what was often kept in the dark with what is now out in the light.
The following chart from Gallup’s 2020 poll represents the percentage of Americans that self-identify as LGBTQ. Because of long-held attitudes and prejudices that kept them from sharing their truth, the numbers may not be accurate for those older generations. Despite that, the percentages represented do show a rise in acceptance of being LGBTQ over the years. More of the younger generations are willing to share their truth than those in the older generations.
If you find yourself struggling to accept some of these changes, it is OK for you to take some time to reflect on them. Attitudes rarely change overnight. You are already taking a big step by reading these lessons and becoming aware of the issues. Give yourself a pat on the back! If you are still struggling, I invite you to go out and learn more. Kofi Annan, former Secretary-General for the United Nations, told us, “Knowledge is power. Information is liberating. Education is the premise of progress, in every society, in every family.” And for those of us older people, just remember those NBC public service announcements…
Bystander or Ally?
“83.1% of LGBT students report that hearing “gay” or “queer” used in a negative manner at school causes them to feel bothered or distressed to some degree. Yet only 18% of LGBT students report that school personnel frequently intervene when hearing homophobic remarks and only 8% report that other students frequently intervene,” (ThinkB4YouSpeak).
The words “gay,” “homo,” “faggot,” and “dyke” are not inherently negative words. But many youth and adults use them to convey a negative message. “Gay” used to mean happy or joyful, but now it is commonly used to mean something is stupid or weird. Negative language usage hurts LGBTQ youth even if it is not used to intentionally cause harm. When we hear negative language, we have two options, we can be a bystander and witness it but do nothing, or we can be an ally and witness it and then speak up against it.
This list of 10 Ways to be an Ally from GLSEN’s ThinkB4YouSpeak program is designed for youth allies, but the same principles apply to adults. Which items on the list are you comfortable with?
You don’t have to be LGBTQ to be an ally, you can be a straight LGBTQ ally or somewhere in between. Being an ally means different things to different people. It might help to think of being an ally as part of a spectrum. Some allies are not ready for any type of confrontation, but they are ready to listen and learn. Other allies are “all in” and are ready to take on the world. Some ways you might communicate to others what kind of ally you are might be to wear a rainbow, display a safe place sticker, fly a flag, use inclusive language, respect pronouns, wear a pin on your collar, or attend a Pride parade. Try not to feel limited by this list. Do what feels right and is comfortable for where you are on the ally spectrum.
Do you see yourself in one of these types of allies?
A friend of mine shared a story that has influenced how I show that I am an ally. She told me about being afraid to wear rainbows because they were for “gay people” even though she loved rainbows. It wasn’t until someone else shared with her that they display a rainbow in order for others to see that they are a safe place and that displaying a rainbow does not mean that you are gay. That friend changed her perspective, and when she shared that story with me, it changed mine. I wear a rainbow bracelet every day now. Even though it is subtle, it has been a conversation opener for LGBTQ youth in my life. They might compliment it or ask directly why I wear it. Either way, it opens up a dialogue where I can let them know they are safe with me.
Keeping the Conversation Going
It is one thing to have begun a conversation with LGBTQ youth. It is another to keep them talking. Remember those awkward teen years when you didn’t really know what to say to adults when they were talking to you? Maybe you skirted around the answer, or gave some vague response in order to steer the conversation away from you? Well, teens are still a lot like that when it comes to conversation. Letting them know you provide a safe space to talk and share about themselves is a great start because it might just help them to come to you rather than you seeking them out.
Being knowledgeable about LGBTQ issues helps too because you understand the language and the risks and protective factors. You may not have a first-hand understanding, but you can understand some of what they might be going through and can offer support. Learning to make empathetic statements helps others to really feel like you are in the thick of it with them and they are not alone. Brene Brown illustrates the difference between sympathy and empathy in the following 3-minute video:
Another way to get youth to keep talking is to talk indirectly about issues they may be facing. If you charge right in and ask a direct question, they may feel threatened and retreat. You could try to ask a question about a friend or point out an observation and say how you feel about it first before asking them what they think. If something they want to talk about makes you uncomfortable it is OK to say that. You could say that you need a little time to process what they said or more time to think about it. Let them know you will get back to them with your thoughts.
Lastly, any conversation you have with LGBTQ youth should be in a spirit of love. Youth are pretty adept at reading into the emotions that are non-verbally expressed by the person doing the talking. So, take your time, thank them for sharing, thank them for allowing you to share with them, and express your love for them as a person. I’m not sure if the Beatles meant for their song to support LGBTQ youth in this way, but it seems they got it right when they said “Nothin’ you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time. It’s easy. All you need is love…Love is all you need.”
Grow Yourself
Choose one, or more, of the following challenges to help you put into practice what you learned from reading this lesson material.
Review the ally spectrum and decide what type of ally you are most comfortable with.
Check out one of the resources from this lesson, or any of the others, to learn something new and useful.
Practice some of the communication skills you learned in this lesson and ask for feedback from others on how well you are doing.
Share this lesson with a friend that you think would benefit from learning the information presented here.
Be sure to check out Lesson 5 where we will discuss resilience, ways to celebrate, find joy, increase self-esteem, and build supportive villages.
Additional Helpful Resources
For lesson plan material on addressing anti-gay language check out
For more lesson plan material and inclusive book lists check out The Human Rights Campaign’s Welcoming Schools resource page
For a resource to help LGBTQ youth in the coming out process visit
To learn more about being a straight ally check out
To learn more about communication, or for worksheets to use at home visit
“Disclaimer: The authors of this online curriculum are not therapists, and are not authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers. The content of this lesson plan is the creation of the authors alone and does not represent any other entity or organization.”
References
GLSEN (2008). ThinkB4YouSpeak educator’s guide. Guide to ThinkB4YouSpeak.pdf (glsen.org)
Human Rights Campaign (n.d.). National coming out day youth report. Retrieved February 22, 2022 from NCOD-Youth-Report.pdf (hrc.org)
Jones, J. M. (2021, February 24). LGBTQ identification rises to 5.6% in latest U.S. estimate. Gallup. https://news.gallup.com/poll/329708/lgbt-identification-rises-latest-estimate.asp
Kumpher, K., Brown, J. (2011). SFP-Lesson-2-Handouts.pdf. Strengtheningfamilies.org. https://strengtheningfamiliesprogram.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/SFP-Lesson-2-Handouts.pdf
McCarthy, J. (2019, June 6). Gallup first polled on gay issues in ‘77. What has changed? Gallup. https://news.gallup.com/poll/258065/gallup-first-polled-gay-issues-changed.aspx
Niolon, R. (2017). The stages of coming out. Strong Family Alliance. https://www.strongfamilyalliance.org/parent-guide/essential-info/the-stages-of-coming-out-at-any-age/
RSA. (2013, December 10). Brene Brown on empathy [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw
Zavala, C., & Waters, L. (2021). Coming out as LGBTQ +: The role strength-based parenting on posttraumatic stress and posttraumatic growth. Journal of Happiness Studies, 22(3), 1359–1383. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10902-020-00276-y
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