Follow up from Lesson 4
What activities did you do to grow yourself?
Did you review the ally spectrum and decide what type of ally you are most comfortable with?
Did you check out one of the resources from any of the previous lessons to learn something new and useful?
Did you practice any of the communication skills you learned in the last lesson and ask for feedback from others on how well you are doing?
Did you share the lesson with anyone?
If you answered yes to any of these, great job! If not, that’s ok. Give it a try when you feel ready.
Welcome to Lesson 5: Celebrate
In this lesson we will discuss ways to build self-esteem, resilience, build supportive villages, find joy, and to celebrate.
It Takes a Village to Raise A Child
“It takes a village to raise a child.” Anyone who has children, or works with them, is likely to understand this African proverb. Each child is a unique individual. No two are exactly alike. It takes combined effort and support from others to raise a child in a safe and healthy environment. This is especially true for those who know and love LGBTQ youth. These adults may feel like they are way out of their comfort zone or lost at times and not know what to say, what to do, or where to go to get what they need in order to support their youth. So, what can we adults do when we are the ones that need support? We have to build our village!
So, how does one go about building a village? First, it might be helpful to know the difference between a support group, and a support network. A support group is typically structured and is led by a facilitator. Support groups can be found locally or online. The public library often has information about local support groups. If you are more comfortable with a group where you can maintain some anonymity, then an online support group may be more fitting. A support network, or as we will refer to it, a village, can be made up of friends, family, and others that can offer support in a non-structured way, it can be as simple as a text, or going to lunch with a friend. The point is to make a connection where you can feel that you are not alone in what you are going through. The Mayo Clinic says that building a “strong social support network can be critical to help you through the stress of tough times” and a “lack of social support can lead to isolation and loneliness.” For some specific resources check out the resources tab on the blog site.
What if you aren’t ready for a support group, or don’t have any friends or family that you can talk to about what you are going through? That’s where social media might be helpful. You can search for “groups,” “pages” or individuals that are “speaking your language”. If what they are posting speaks to your heart, they might just be your people. Check out their previous posts and see if it feels right. Then, start commenting or asking questions. Most posts allow people to add their own comments. Others who read those comments may be able to provide just the support you need or answer the questions you have. Total strangers may even become part of your village.
Once you start building your village, invite others to join. They too need the support a village can offer. Remember the show Cheers from the 80s? The theme song has some lyrics that speak to this village idea. Sing along in your head, or out loud to the video below.
“Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name
And they’re always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
Our troubles are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your name”
We want our village to be a place where we can see “our troubles are all the same.” There is something comforting about knowing we are not alone in our struggles. Just offering another person the space to share their experiences with you lets them know there is someone out there who understands and can support them in their journey.
Building Self-Esteem
Adolescence can wreak havoc on one’s self-esteem. Surrounded by people, images, peers, social media millions of voices all telling us we aren’t good enough and don’t measure up. This includes one’s own inner voice. LGBTQ youth have the additional voices of shame and forgiveness. Let’s look at some ways to build youth’s self-esteem and build them back up in today's world.
Verywellfamily.com shares the following “8 Self Esteem Builders for Teens”
Promote Self-Improvement - Help them identify their strengths as well as their weaknesses. Then engage them in goal setting and problem-solving.
Praise Effort Instead of Outcome - This will help them NOT to believe they are only worthy of praise when they succeed.
Teach Assertiveness - A teen who can speak up also is less likely to be treated poorly by peers. Allow them to make choices. Reinforce that they have rights—especially the right to say no to anything that makes them uncomfortable.
Encourage Opportunities - Encourage your teen to join a new club, play a musical instrument, engage in volunteer work, or find a part-time job. Belonging to a group not only provides them with friendship opportunities, but it also can help them feel more secure and confident.
Model Confidence - Be an example in deed and word. If you criticize your body or abilities, you're teaching them as well. Show the importance of self-love, share confidence-building experiences from your life.
Build Self-Worth - Focus on your values and teach true self-worth is about living according to those values. Teach them not to compare themselves to others, and you also need to refrain from comparing them to their peers.
Balance Freedom and Guidance - Micromanaging their choices will teach them that you don’t trust them to independently make positive decisions. Allow natural consequences so they learn from their own mistakes. Refrain from rescuing them.
Help Develop Positive Self-Talk - Your teen’s inner monologue will play a major role in how they feel about themselves. Point out how many thoughts aren’t true and help them see how being overly harsh can be detrimental. Teach them to reframe irrational thoughts like, “I’m going to fail because I’m stupid,” with something more realistic like, “I can pass math class if I work hard.”
Kaufman & Raphael (1996) as cited in Greene & Britton (2013) report that shame is the main source for low self-esteem in sexual minorities. They also say “once we begin to come out of shame, we can forgive our past powerlessness. Self-forgiveness is vital to establish a self-affirming identity, and interrupt shame.” The following diagram illustrates the connection between shame, vulnerability, and self-worth.
Resilience
What is resilience? Cornell institute defines resilience as “an individual’s ability to positively cope with stress and adversity.”
Why is it important to teach resilience? Honestly, today’s youth are already very resilient on their own, but they still need our support. According to the Trevor Project LGBTQ youth who are armed with protective factors will have decreased risk factors.
Every teenager finds strength from social support. When I was in high school, I had some really great friends. I spent more time at school and with my friends after school than I did with my family at home. My friends supported my beliefs and life choices even if they didn't agree. I hadn’t realized how they strengthened my resilience until after I moved away.
The Trevor Project states that “Social support provides emotional well-being. Through the recognition of potential hardships, identifying their individual needs, and offering relevant support, LGBTQ youth lives can be saved. Youth who reported high levels of family acceptance were 2/3 less likely to report suicide ideation and suicide attempts compared to those with low family acceptance.”
The Cornell institute describes resilience as “thriving instead of just surviving”. They offer 5 ways to build resilience:
Social Involvement- avoid isolation
Being Self Aware and Self-Care
Attention and Mental Focus - Meditate, visualize, deep breathing, tuning in to what is important and tuning out what is irrelevant
Meaning-Understanding their purpose
Growth Mindset- Willingness to learn and see challenges as opportunities to grow and learn
Spend Quality Time together
A friend of mine took her daughter on a senior trip up and down the west coast. Can you imagine the bonding time, adventures, and memories created? Taking a trip with your teen would be a wonderful way to fill up their emotional reserve. It can also be as simple as small daily deposits of time spent together. Kumpher & Brown (2011) suggest spending 10-15 min a day of one-on-one time they call ‘My Time’. They suggest allowing them to choose the activity and offer sincere praise as you spend time together. This time is meant to be a positive time without lectures, or criticism. The activity can be free or inexpensive like going for a walk, playing a game, going to ice cream, or going for a drive.
Teach Youth to Practice Gratitude
Check out this 2-minute video about the science of gratitude.
For me personally, gratitude builds resilience faster than other practices. The movie “Life is Beautiful'' is about a man who is surviving the Holocaust with his son. He finds things for them to be grateful for and he creates a positive spin on every situation. It seems unbelievable that he would be able to do so in such circumstances. The father turns the situation into a game by having his son stay quiet and hide from the Nazis. He promises his son a tank if he wins the game. Miraculously there was a tank at the end of the film. Gratitude invites positivity into our lives according to Oprah. Regardless of our circumstances, being grateful can increase resilience.
Helping Youth Build Their Village and Finding Joy
Just as we discussed above about the importance of building a village for adults to get the support they need, youth need their own village as well. A place where they can feel safe, happy, comfortable, and experience a sense of belonging. According to Asakura & Craig (2014) youth “accounted for their lives getting better by surrounding themselves with those who accepted and affirmed who they were, including their LGBTQ identities.”
We discussed in previous lessons some ways to strengthen and support LGBTQ youth such as Gay-Straight Alliances (GSAs) in schools, access to LGBTQ inclusive media, LGBTQ inclusive curricula taught in school, anti-bullying campaigns, and respecting pronouns. Those supports can have a positive effect on self-esteem, but family is where the biggest influence remains. In fact, a study done by Snapp et al. (2015) found that family remains the most influential support system even when other support systems are considered. Sadly, the Trevor Project found “only 1 in 3 LGBTQ youth found their home to be LGBTQ-affirming.” Those LGBTQ youth that do not have affirming homes must expand their social network to find others that can be a part of their village.
So, where can LGBTQ youth go to find others to be part of their village? According to the same survey from the Trevor Project, 69% found affirming spaces online, and 50% found affirming places at school. Since we discussed GSAs and some online affirming spaces in Lesson 2, let’s explore other spaces that can provide the connection to a larger community.
Music and Art
When I was a teen, I found solace in music. The artists singing their songs spoke words directly to my heart that helped me to realize that I was not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I felt a sense of connection to another who knew enough about what I was experiencing to articulate it within a song. I am slightly embarrassed to say that I spent a small fortune growing my music collection over the years. Even now, music holds that same kind of magic for me.
As a little validation for my music obsession, Mogrow-Wilson & Tredinnick (2020) found that participation in music and visual art helps build social and emotional skills, increases empathy, improves goal-setting and decision making, and can improve relationships. Creating music and art is a wonderful way to help LGBTQ youth express their emotions without having to come up with just the right words. It can be just the outlet they need. Participating in music and art with others can create bonding experiences as they share the beauty and the struggles of the world they see.
Celebrate
You are unique. No other person in the history of the world is exactly like you. Sometimes being unique may cause you to feel like you don’t fit in with those around you. That is why it is important to find where you fit, to find your village. Once you find your village, celebrate. Celebrate being you, your uniqueness, your individuality, and what only you can bring to the world. Celebrating you does not have to be as big as a parade. It can be as small as saying something nice about yourself.
In the wise words of Miss Frizzle, “Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!” Here are a few ideas to get your personal celebration started:
Do something outside of your comfort zone
Live each day like it is your last
Take time to relax and regenerate
Appreciate something about what is happening in your life right now
Smile and laugh
Spend time with others in your village
Keep a journal of the good times and the bad
Listen to music you love, bonus if you dance along
Create something
Let go of labels
Embrace the parts of you that don’t seem to fit
Give yourself time to adjust to changes
Share how you are really feeling when someone asks rather than saying “fine”
Spend time in nature
Tell someone you love them
Now that you have some ideas of how to celebrate yourself and why it is important, we will talk about how you can celebrate with your LGBTQ youth.
One way to build a village is for LGBTQ youth to participate in LGBTQ events, like a Pride parade, or attend places where they can interact with other LGBTQ people such as a community sponsored event. Just as inclusive media helps LGBTQ youth to feel represented, these types of experiences provide visibility of others that are like them. They provide a sense of unity and community. They provide a place to celebrate.
For the LGBTQ community, June is known as Pride Month. But what does pride mean? Possible definitions for the word pride are:
The quality or state of being proud
A reasonable and justifiable feeling of being worthwhile
A sense of one’s own dignity or sense of value; self-respect
A feeling of happiness that comes from achieving something
Some of the words from those definitions that seem to stand out are worthwhile, dignity, value, self-respect, and happiness. Those are all positive words. Words that describe something to appreciate. Words that imply significance. Words that bring joy. Words that characterize basic human rights. With this perspective, Pride Month is a time to celebrate being human. It is a time to celebrate the beauty of diversity that exists in this world. A time to find joy and to celebrate you.
If you are looking for ways to celebrate Pride Month, try something from this list:
Attend or participate in a Pride parade or community event
Volunteer
Donate to an organization that supports LGBTQ youth
Watch an LGBTQ movie
Listen to music by LGBTQ artists
Learn something new about LGBTQ history
Purchase art from an LGBTQ artist
Post something supportive on social media
Wear or display rainbows
Pride Month is not the only time to celebrate. There are many other days to celebrate with LGBTQ youth. Here are a few to get you started:
Celebrating any of these days with LGBTQ youth can help them build a sense of community whether that be at home, school, online, or wherever they feel comfortable. However you choose to celebrate, whether in a big way, or a small one, you are helping to bring awareness to LGBTQ issues and taking steps to save lives. Take the time to celebrate that. Celebrate your new knowledge, and celebrate becoming an LGBTQ ally!
Grow Yourself
Choose one, or more, of the following challenges to help you put into practice what you learned from reading this lesson material.
Think about who might make a good addition to your village and invite them to join you in a conversation.
Try spending 10-15 minutes of ‘My Time’ with your LGBTQ youth today.
Learn more about one of the celebration days listed in the lesson, and then celebrate it.
Share this lesson with a friend that you think would benefit from learning the information presented here.
Help Us to Grow Ourselves
In order for us to continue to improve the curriculum taught here, please click the link below to take a few minutes to answer a brief 10-question, anonymous survey about the effectiveness of our blog. We appreciate you being here, reading and learning, and growing yourself.
“Disclaimer: The authors of this online curriculum are not therapists, and are not authorized to give personalized advice to any of the readers. The content of this lesson plan is the creation of the authors alone and does not represent any other entity or organization.”
References
Asakura, K. & Craig, S. (2014). “It gets better”...but how? Exploring resilience development in the accounts of LGBTQ adults. Journal of Human Behavior in the Social Environment 24(3), 253-266. https://doi.org/10.1080/10911359.2013.808971
Cornell University. (n.d.). Building Resilience, Cornell Health. health.cornell.edu. https://health.cornell.edu/resources/health-topics/building-resilience
Greene, D. C. & Britton, P. J. (2013). The influence of forgiveness on lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning individuals’ shame and self-esteem. Journal of Counseling & Development, 91(2), 195–205. https://doi.org/10.1002/j.1556-6676.2013.00086.x
Kumpher, K., Brown, J. (2011). SFP-Intro-lesson-Handouts.pdf. Strengtheningfamilies.org. https://strengtheningfamiliesprogram.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/SFP-Intro-Lesson-Handouts.pdf
Lenker, K. [Korby Lenker]. (2020, March 22). Cheers theme song - best live version [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/vZTF4LNKWz0
Mayo Clinic (2020, August 29). Social support: Tap this tool to beat stress. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/social-support/art-20044445
Mogrow-Wilson, C. & Tredinnick, L. (2020). Influencing social and emotional awareness and empathy with a visual arts and music intervention for adolescents. Children & Schools, 42(2), 111-119. https://doi.org/10.1093/cs/cdaa008
Morin, A. (2021, February, 20). 8 Self-esteem boosters for teens: How to boost your teens' confidence.verywellfamily.com. https://www.verywellfamily.com/essential-strategies-for-raising-a-confident-teen-2611002#toc-help-develop-positive-self-talk
Paely, A. (2021). National survey on LGBTQ youth mental health 2021. The Trevor Project. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/survey-2021/?section=Introduction
Roberto Benigni. (1997). Life is Beautiful!. Melampo Cinematografica
Snapp, S. D., Watson, R. J., Russell, S. T., Diaz, R. M. & Ryan, C. (2015). Social support networks for LGBT young adults: Low cost strategies for positive adjustment. Family Relations, 64(3), 420-430. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12124
The Global Eagles. (2013, October, 2013). Oprah's Gratitude Journal Oprah's Lifeclass Oprah Winfrey Network [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saZWjIlwU8c
The Trevor Project. (2020). Pride Everywhere: The trevor project (featuring Demi Lovato) [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/1Rk14cw32l0
Tremendousness. (2016, October 6). The Science of Gratitude [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMd1CcGZYwU
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